CARRIE!!!!

CARRIE I LOVE YOUR ALBUM. YOU ARE SO TALENTED AND I RESPECT YOU A LOT. SOMEDAY I WILL MEET YOU AND WE WILL MAKE MUSIC TOGETHER. :) THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR TALENT WITH THE WORLD AND WITH ME.

I'm in PA

Let's get this out of the way.  I fail at the blog.

So I'm in Pennsylvania this week.  I have been having the greatest summer with music and ministry traveling to Florida and Kentucky and WV and all over Ohio.  It is tiring.

I'm in Pennsylvania this week.  I love my family in Cambridge but I didn't really tell them I wouldn't be coming home for break.  I just needed away from any kind of stress, and believe me, home has stress from siblings, and parents upset, and my own personal stresses.  I'm sorry I didn't tell them though.

I'm in Pennsylvania this week.  I hate when people lie to themselves or to me and they have no reason.  I hate lying anyway, but when it's just for kicks aimed at me, I get upset.  One of my "friends" has texted me all summer and I don't know how to deal with it b/c he doesn't know i know he's lying.  Thus I ignore him, and being in PA is helping me get away. 

I'm in Pennsylvania this week.  I'm with Rick Martell and his family.  We went to Cedar Point, Geauga Lake, Transformers, hung out with friends (his friends), played music, and have had wonderful meals and conversations with the family, stress free.  I'm so glad I came to Hermitage.  

I'm in Pennsylvania this week.  I'm kinda dreading real life on Saturday.

y oh y?

today i remembered people and it was glorious.  I remembered people i care about but who are far away.  I remembered those i wish i could stay in closer contact with and it was good and it was bad and it was emotional.  Thank you facebook for allowing me to love those I wouldn't know how otherwise.  also m and m... 3 days. woah.

random thought

The least pleasant experience that exists... not that it is evil or painful or horrifying, simply the least pleasant. 

BEING FORCED TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE WHO SNORES WITH THE SOUND OF A  FREIGHT TRAIN.

that is all.

been awhile

OK, so I'm blogging again because I haven't and because I need to ponder some things.  As liberal as I claim to be, and as willing to represent the rights of individual choices over religious and governmental dictation, I find myself truly deeply upset by some of these choices people have the governmental right to make.  

President Elect Barack Obama promised Planned Parenthood that the first thing he would do as president would be to sign FOCA, the Freedom of Choice Act.  I personally believe strongly in the freedom of Choice.  I believe the government has no right to stop the succession of potential life, for who is to define where life starts, and do religious establishments define what cultural implications become law... absolutely not.  However, as a human... as a man created by God and by man and woman, I feel burdened that women should have the sole right to make that choice, I feel sorrow for those who feel this choice is necessary, I feel sick that anyone would choose to not bring a baby so special and made with such a delicate perfection stemming only from the hands of the Father into the world.  I am socially liberal.  Government has no right to take this choice, but as a Christian I am obligated to encourage otherwise... not through policy but through a sincere compassion and willingness to encourage and love woman to choose a better option.  

I encourage christians to look beyond boundaries they believe to be established on issues such as gay rights.  Psychological and Biological implications are very present, and I am not willing to agree that the claiming of one person to be homosexual makes that person a sinner headed to hell.  I have known many gay men and women throughout my middle school, high school, and into my college experience that have opened up to me, for I will never judge anyone, and homosexuals are exactly the same people.  They desire love, they long for social acceptance, they dress themselves, they are the same as any other human, except for in one definition... a very fluid definition at that, for sexual impulses change within a person through that persons lifespan.   I am an advocate for gay marriage rights, as I do not believe religion should define governmental implications for equality, either.  I denounce a strict social biblical interpretation for many things have changed and here's where I tend to anger conservative... they are still changing.  Gay marriage would validate many relationships for that community and allow equality.  The thing I am so sad about in our society and for the GLBT organization is the acceptance that somehow promiscuity is fine.  Gay men and women as well as straight individuals who misuse their own bodies created by God for simple pleasure without committing to one person, as God intended, saddens me deeply for the welfare of their souls.  Promiscuity has so many emotional and physical repercussions, and I mourn for these individuals who have "given themselves over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another."  The perversion, the lust, the sexual impurity comes not from the definition or even the sexual act in a marriage setting, but from the promiscuity and from the separation from God in giving into all sexual opportunities. Statistics claiming over 60 % of gay men have sex with multiple partners is incredulous and abhorring.  Religious persecution has led these individuals to choose hell for committing sexual acts outside of marriage which is unavailable to them, or to denounce who they are by way of biological and psychological definition while other individuals may live whole lives with biological and psychological fulfillment because they are the norm.   Culturally and religiously,  gay marriage is a must and I am astonished politicians including the most liberal democrats are not always willing to see this perspective. On this issue I am sad for the church by way of close minded and persecution acts written as church policy using a "strict" biblical interpretation on the issues they feel need strict interpretation and I am sad for homosexuals who many times embrace sexual promiscuity for they have no commitment available and sometimes even little desire too commit... sad.

I simply needed to release political and religious meshing of theory, for since Barack Obama has become the president elect it seems no one cares to express their opinions and it is sad, too. 

maybe

maybe i can be happy without you.  we'll just have to see

that one

you know who you are and you will never read this.  i never talk to you.  I never see you.  No one approves.  I am unworthy.  My life has no significant meaning without you.  Your face is missed.  Your love of life is gone.  Your call I can never receive.  Your voice I seldom hear.  Your eyes, I never get lost in.  My prayers seem always unanswered.  My fear of losing you grows substantially every day.  You are my best friend.  you are my biggest fear.  You are the one for me and always will be, even if you never accept it.  rekindling the flame is my only desire.  i want to share my thoughts, feeling, anxiety, happiness, laughter, pain, joy, self with only you.  I want you to become my healthy addiction.  I want to be yours.  that one in the back of your mind needs to step forward.  that one far far away needs to be closer.  i cannot be happy without you.  

The healing process...

The Darkness.

I have been through a lot these past few days.  I have been confronted with my past in unhealthy ways.  I have fallen and tripped over myself.  Now where do I go?  I want God's hand in my life, but my actions tell Him otherwise.  I know I have been forgiven for my sin, but I don't feel that it is terribly significant.  Sometimes I feel as though my life is insignificant.  Don't get me wrong, I know God is sovereign, but so often, when I am selfish, it seems He is so distant.  I can't even feel the Holy Spirit's tug on my life, and I feel that God simply leaves me alone.  

The light.

I found hope and joy today.  I decided to practice.  I know this may sound corny and completely insignificant, but really it isn't.  For a few hours, I was focused on the music.  I started to compose a song and the intro and beginning was terribly emotional.  My life has been twisting and turning (from (a minor) to (C augmented)).  For the past few weeks school has worn me out, music had become mundane, and I simply was not happy with relationships or people.  A crescendo-ing emptiness, hostility, and self-loathing had torn me apart.  Shifting to A flat minor, I was dead to the world and I'm sure I do not cover it well.  I have not yet finished the song.  It has hardly begun, but I see a shift.  I can predict the change from minor to B major, or from augmented to A major, and I have hope.  I hope that I can get ahold of my humanness.  I hope that I can stop relying on myself so heavily.  I hope I can start respecting those around me and I hope I can move on.  Move past the emotional trap in which I had become ensnarled.  Move toward happiness and caring for God's people and God's earth.  I feel that I will make a difference if I can let go of myself.  

I played the trumpet.  Really played without another care in my world. I was not worried about jury or exams or the thousand other things being forced into my life at the end of this exhausting semester.  I just focused on the music, and I was good.  I was great.  I remembered the times in high school, I would be bogged down by other work, and I sat down with my trumpet and forgot everything.  Now so many times I feel bogged down by my trumpet, for it's frustrating learning so much in so little time.  But I had hope.  Christmas music and solo practice and true concentration, without constraints of time, I played.  I was as happy as I have ever been.  

God is here.  Most people know it by seeing nature.  I feel it in the music.  I must hold onto it with everything I have, and I believe God can continue to change me.  

To those I have whined and complained and been COMPLETELY emo to these past days, I ask forgiveness and thanks for being the best friends I could ever have.  I can make it out alive.  For awhile I simply wasn't sure. 

Empty

I am an addict.  I am a failure.  I am unmotivated.  I have never before felt so empty.  I can no longer feel.  I can no longer care.  

welp...

My head is clear.  My heart is torn.  My soul is ehh, w/e.  Why do the things we think will not happen always happen???  Good and bad... ALWAYS!!!!!!